{"id":2413,"date":"2015-04-17T06:45:59","date_gmt":"2015-04-17T13:45:59","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.talkinggrid.com\/?p=2413"},"modified":"2015-04-17T06:45:59","modified_gmt":"2015-04-17T13:45:59","slug":"on-my-legacy","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/talkinggrid.com\/dev\/on-my-legacy\/","title":{"rendered":"On My Legacy"},"content":{"rendered":"

Recently, I had the misfortune of subjecting myself to cruel examination, from a harsh unenlightened perspective, in the office of a sub-par therapist, psychologist, PHD. \u00a0I was looking for help, feeling a little overwhelmed… nothing major, just the mechanics of life with cancer, being a mother, artist, person… finding my way. It can be a challenge, since each person’s path is a mystery, to be discovered, defined in the process of unfolding.<\/p>\n

Her job is to council individuals facing cancer. \u00a0Mine is to keep my spirits up and stay focused on living and loving life. \u00a0At least, that is how I see it. \u00a0I know that I’ve undergone a multitude of surgeries, treatments, procedures. \u00a0Yet, as a matter of policy, I don’t anticipate the pain, not in the treatments, or the many hospital visits. \u00a0I simply go where I must, do what is required, guided by my husband’s scientific understanding and the doctors he selects to manage my care. \u00a0I don’t complain. I don’t explain my condition to others. \u00a0I don’t make a big deal about my health status. \u00a0I don’t invite others to savor misery. I don’t worry about it. \u00a0I don’t give into the thought that this surgery or the next might kill me.<\/p>\n

Sure, I have symptoms. \u00a0My life has changed. \u00a0I’m a different person than I was six years ago when treatment started and I was not in the advanced treatment that I am in now. \u00a0Yet, I’m still me… a person with optimism enough for a village, for myself, and the future of my children. \u00a0I believe I will live a long life. \u00a0Yet, looking at my medical records, current treatment, and the general prognosis for those in similar situation the\u00a0Shrink suddenly asked me, toward the end of the “session,” no less; “So… being that your medical records and condition are what they are, indicating that you don’t have long to live, what do you plan your legacy to be?”<\/p>\n

I blinked. \u00a0“Everyday, I take care of my children, share my values with them, feed them my knowings and cherish that they are. \u00a0That is my legacy.” \u00a0Besides, I went on, gaining steam, “I am planning on being a grandmother. \u00a0I have never seriously considered that I would die, soon. \u00a0I’m always engaged in what I am doing and sure it isn’t always easy but, what life is?”<\/p>\n

This was not good enough for her, “I thought that is what you would say.” \u00a0She said, dismissing my words, clearly dissatisfied with my determination to stay focused on living, loving, and enjoying my life as it is. \u00a0“But, I mean, don’t you think about death and what you want your life to stand for?” \u00a0I thought I had made it clear, or that I make it clear with my actions that my life is a statement of appreciation. \u00a0I’m grateful for every moment, everyday. \u00a0Sure, there is pain. Suffering? \u00a0Not so much. \u00a0The pain comes and goes. \u00a0Accupuncture helps. \u00a0My husband’s love goes a long way to making everyday bliss. \u00a0I’m aware that without him, it really wouldn’t be so easy. \u00a0I’ve got these great kids, a home, and time. \u00a0Yes, time, that mysterious good which others never have enough of… I’m rich in it because I’m focused on love. \u00a0Loving my books. \u00a0Loving my home, children, marriage, and life. \u00a0When you are thus focused, days slow down and you make the most of this precious resource, doing more in a day than others dream of.<\/p>\n

Moreover, \u00a0“I’m an artist.” I told her, “I’ve made hundreds of paintings, hundreds more drawings, books full of them.” \u00a0I went on. \u00a0” I write everyday. \u00a0Even if I don’t publish everyday. I’m active.” \u00a0What more legacy could one wish for? \u00a0I capped it with my personal truth. “I rarely entertain fear. \u00a0I don’t sit done with fear and caress it, milk it. \u00a0I don’t look for comfort in lingering on what is inevitable. \u00a0I accept death, but I’m not planning on kicking the bucket just yet. I see myself living well into my eighties.” \u00a0I reminded her, what I told her before, that when the doctor originally told me that I had cancer, I saw myself, “an old woman, wrinkled and wearing huge sunglass, bangles to my elbows, and a loud knit dress, at an art opening, immersed in the \u00a0world of creatives, culture.”<\/p>\n

In recent years, I’ve come to value my relationships, friendships, and art world connections with more gusto. \u00a0I’ve experienced that maxim, “live everyday as though it were your last.” \u00a0I’m doing that in that each day I’m invested in those the individuals which enrich my day-to-day, those friends that care to contribute to my actual well being by sharing of themselves, their discoveries, passions, and secrets. \u00a0I’m content in the present, even if my life doesn’t impress the inexperienced, young, and insensitive therapist. (I suspect that after a few months of seeing me regularly, she was simply bored, and not finding me to be the typical patient, oozing sadness over what can not be controlled, she wanted to prompt me to emote to the tune she prefers to hear over and over again, one in which she gets the pleasure of comforting a distraught person, not one simply in the middle of living a good life.)<\/p>\n

The session was over, time to talk done. \u00a0I wanted to go on and tell her about my books. \u00a0I’ve actively collected many a book in the last year, bringing together, and unpacking my library from college years and ensuring that the children don’t have to go far for a good read. Our bookshelves are packed with literature (from Achebe\/Allende to Zola) and history. \u00a0Asian studies. Anthropology. \u00a0British literature. German language. \u00a0Spanish. \u00a0Learn Guitar. \u00a0Piano. \u00a0Relationship and self-help books. \u00a0Etiquette. \u00a0Crafts and Fine Art manuals. Poetry. \u00a0Theater. I’ve bought books on all the subjects that interest me and that represent who I am, for them, thereby creating a portrait of ideas, inviting them to converse with me, perhaps, when I am no more. \u00a0Today, I’m a person that reads and writes and lives. \u00a0Now. \u00a0I’ll worry about death, when it happens, until then I’m ultra-busy learning, loving, and getting on with the business of life.<\/p>\n

\"Feet<\/a>
With these boots I may kick the bucket, but first I’ve got a list a mile on long!<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Recently, I had the misfortune of subjecting myself to cruel examination, from a harsh unenlightened perspective, in the office of a sub-par therapist, psychologist, PHD. \u00a0I was looking for help, feeling a little overwhelmed… nothing major, just the mechanics of life with cancer, being a mother, artist, person… finding my way. It can be a […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":2416,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[26,163],"tags":[268,266,267,265,269],"class_list":["post-2413","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-health-spiritual-fitness","category-personal","tag-bad-psychologist","tag-cancer-with-style","tag-keeping-spirits-up","tag-living-with-cancer","tag-personal-legacy"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/talkinggrid.com\/dev\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/04\/IMG_3687.jpg?fit=3243%2C2429&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/talkinggrid.com\/dev\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2413","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/talkinggrid.com\/dev\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/talkinggrid.com\/dev\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/talkinggrid.com\/dev\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/talkinggrid.com\/dev\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2413"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/talkinggrid.com\/dev\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2413\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2418,"href":"https:\/\/talkinggrid.com\/dev\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2413\/revisions\/2418"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/talkinggrid.com\/dev\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/2416"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/talkinggrid.com\/dev\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2413"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/talkinggrid.com\/dev\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2413"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/talkinggrid.com\/dev\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2413"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}