“Noah,” Biblical Dude

Dearest Talkinggrid Regulars,

1 April 2014 -7 April 2014

Here is a meditation on taste… How do you feel about the guilty pleasure of a “BAD,” Movie? Is a “Bad,” movie akin to junk food, a poor substitute to authentic nutrition?

Frau Kolb is a total snob when it comes to films. “Noah,” was G R E A T as a parody of dysfunctional Malibu living. The film’s total lack of respect for the biblical narrative’s gravitas, and the significance of LAW, authority… punishment… all foreign ideas to the Hollywood mind. The film features: two herbal medicine junky parents, on the brink of a great flood… could be menopause or a midlife crisis… regardless the two, are battling. The are “way too stressed,” by the “evil,” meat eaters. Differences in diet, from gluten-free to vegan being an “AWESOME issue,” in California, where this ancient flood takes place in a studio lot and computer chop-chop room, keeping a KOSHER KITCHEN versus an only ORGANIC GARDEN may be a never ending source of Empty Hollywood “D R A M A!”

In Los Angeles, affluent people often shop at Whole foods… which… might fit in an ark… if you drugged the electronic animals… the cast of Noah dressed in anachronistic contemporary classic movie attire, over act their way from one scene to the next flood of bad… evil… greedy trashy leather and hair extensions flaunting, trendy MAD MAX rival sibling… Ruler of the damned, hitching a ride, wounded, inside the cartoon ark, adrift in the middle of a bad plot and stupid invented biblical dribble. The family of surf sipping fashion cast-aways, waiting for “the BIG wave…” The moral of the story: DO NOT MURDER your twin granddaughters! OK, Dude?

Do NOT set up your father to be murdered by your blood lusting uncle. OK??? He will be Shakespearean in his on-stage twitching rage and bristling Anglo-Irish… what is that stupid… oh yeah… another movie packed with longhairs… the one about a lost Ring… cramp. Moral number 15 of the story: keep kosher or dear ol’ god won’t give the snakeskin blessing… wait what? This doesn’t make any sense… well the Old Testament didn’t make a whole lot of sense did it??? Slapped together from yarns, threads, ancient Hebrew, ancient tongues, mysterious… powerful!

Not a JOKE. NOT FUNNY, really.

Noah is supposed to be serious and it really shocked me that I was the only one laughing throughout this farce of a film.

I dig the part about the groovy garden with a tempting tree and handy slithering salesman: SATAN.

The NOAH story told by Hollywood, puts Russell Crow in baggy denim trousers looking the part of a frazzled Los Angeles “off-his-meds,” unstable angry husband/DAD… an overworked father of three, a rushed and post industrial worker transported via lack of historical knowledge to an imagined past… very strange… belching stacks, polluted environment… all very LA NOW. His wife,the dashing Jennifer Connelly, wears the organic hand stitched mantel of plastic trash bags left over from the set of Waterworld, another underwater Hollywood disaster picture, gone way wrong… The hyper unimaginative costume designer got the LOOK of a Prius Driving power-yoga-stressed out- BEACH queen MOM, perpetually aggravated from fighting traffic, on the Pacific Coast Highway, wearing her athletic gear and lambs skin lined bulky flat surf boots, despite claim to be “almost vegan…” yet LOVIN’ Skinny Margaritas… characteristic of the “laid back,” amazingly aggressive and self-centered inhabitants of one of the world’s most exclusive enclaves of wealth… sending out the sun-kissed image of Wind-Whipped Anime hair… too much.

Laughter erupting at the illogical slap-dash raft of a bloated “electronically mastered,” logic challenged, folly… perfect for those that love their entertainment ABSURDLY all Caucasian and without a touch of truth… those that crave twisted, computer animated nonsense… I mean, what is with the talking rocks??? Why do all Hollywood brain busters have to have a giant robot folding over upon itself, a computerized Character, which is sent in to save a floundering script and pointless flick from sinking. Noah, a movie made for those that image prehistory in terms of a simpler time; when wives were, animals, children, and all else were to be subject to a very macho and temperamental LORD; white DUDE.

Happy April FOOL’s Month, to those that, join me in celebrating Hollywood’s power to draw in audiences out of their, presumably, cozy homes to the public view situation of the Movie Palace or Theater… How do they manage to get humans to give up hard earned dollars to see pretty European California pampered brand name faces perform empty renditions of what might be our most sacred religious documents?

Imagine: a BIG WAVE wipes Malibu off the earth and then there is NO MORE TRAFFIC.

Unfortunately, Noah did not have a surfboard strapped to the top of the ark… It would have added extra––spice––to the already hyped-up Hollywood version… after all, they took so many liberties with the established biblical narrative.

An alternate title for the film; “Noah Does Malibu,” and Mel Brooks really must make his own version of this hilarious jazzy Hollywood spun cheap and flashy pimp of biblical electric neon impossibly pretty Douglas Booth… fruity, really… and unbearable acting from the biblical British sounding princess, Emma Watson, with “healing wisdom,” from Wholefoods on Lincoln blvd, this version of Noah is loosely spun upon the biblical patchwork of polyester and acrylic twine costumes.

Humans: we love retelling an old myth… making it resonate with a new audience which doesn’t care that denim did not exist until the late 1800’s and that it is a uniquely American fashion choice. The people of the ancient Greco-Roman world told many versions of the same stories about their mythological heroes.

The fact that denim has become a possible toga for today’s international male, around the world, is testament to the imperialist nature of this nuclear family, we could-all-be-cousins, one family and its adopted sister… and their twin daughters… weird. Yet… perhaps… the film is but a mere joke, a comedy… destined to be erased when the digital libraries fail after the upcoming END of THE World!! ! IF you find yourself laughing at the silly slapstick rendition of the prehistoric manifestation of the miraculous, know that Frau Kolb is not laughing at you, rather with you, in this tenuous case.

Enjoy the “Shadows on the Cave Wall!” and please pass the fake butter flavor on salty GMO pop-corn.

Thank you,

Frau Kolb